“You Should Not Wear Yellow”
I remember I was once told that I could not wear yellow. I don’t know if it was because of my hair, my skin tone…or my body shape? But for whatever reason, that is just what someone told me. I could not wear yellow.
Something you might not know about me is that if you tell me I cannot do something, chances are I am going to do it. My mom calls it stubborn, Kevin says it is the sassy in me. I call it like this, I will be the one in charge of what I can and cannot do. Yes, I am a bit sassy and may be stubborn at times, but if I set my mind to something then watch out! What I want to happen is going to happen.
Did I let her comment stop me from wearing yellow? Hell no! I rocked yellow, even at 500 pounds. Just because I choose to do or not do something, does not mean that what others say about me doesn’t affect me or bother me sometimes. Even if I am choosing to do or not choosing to do something, does not mean I never feel insecure. Other peoples words still affect me even if it may not seem like it to someone just passing by.
“I will not allow others opinions control what I can and cannot do”
What I have learned is that just because I may feel insecure or self conscious, or let the opinions of others bother me, does not mean that I should let those opinions control my actions. I have learned that I will not allow others opinions control what I can and cannot do. I know that it is ok to feel insecure, but it is how I handle those situations and move on that matters. I choose to not let the comments and opinions of others stop me from being me or living my life.
When I saw this outfit I fell in love. I kinda laughed to myself too because it was yellow, and I did not know if a big reason I loved it was the fact that it was yellow and how someone had told me before that I shouldn’t wear yellow. I decided to buy the outfit anyway and I am so glad I did because a very hard, but important less
on quickly followed this purchase.
“I was being negative and judgmental to myself”
Once I get the outfit home and put it on (and of course took some pictures) I quickly decided that I no longer loved it and in fact hated it! My head was quickly filled with thoughts about what others may think, how they may not like it, how I don’t have the body type for this, maybe I shouldn’t wear yellow, I look “fat”…and on and on. The biggest thing I hated was…my boobs. All I could focus on was the fact that my boobs were hanging so low and I hated that. The opinions of others or the comments of others were not what was affecting me this time. It was my own insecurities. My own self doubts, my own thoughts of what I thought people might say or how they might react. These were the things that were controlling the way I was talking to myself. I looked at my self in that outfit and immediately saw everything that I felt was wrong with my body.
I was very angry and upset with myself for allowing this to happen, I felt myself slowly slipping back into my old ways. The ways I used to think about myself and my body. I felt very insecure with myself and with my body when I saw these pictures and it had nothing to do with the fact that the outfit was yellow.
Then something clicked. Here I was on my journey, where I worked so hard to not let the negative comments or opinions of others affect me or stop me from living my life. Yet here I was doing it to myself. I was being negative and judgmental to myself! Nobody had even made a comment or seen me in this outfit other than Kevin, and here I was being down on myself because of what I thought someone else might think or say.
“the journey to self love can be a hard and long road to travel”
Do you know what? Sometimes this happens. This is normal. I told myself that the journey to self love can be a hard and long road to travel and truly is a never-ending battle. What is important that we are able to catch ourselves when self doubt or self sabotage is happening and fix the behavior at the moment and change our way of thinking. Again, when this happens, it is about how you are going to handle those situations when negative talk and self doubt happen. Feeling insecure does not just happen when others make us feel uncomfortable, but when we make ourselves feel uncomfortable.
When I was wearing this yellow outfit I had to realize and accept that I was having a moment where I was not loving myself and I was putting my body down and it was up to me to fix it. I had to sit down with myself and change how I was thinking. The fact of the matter is that I lost over 350 pounds. I hated how my boobs looked, but that is what happened to my body by losing so much weight, but I have absolutely no control over that. I cannot change this right now, I can choose to be upset and frustrated about this all I want. But what would this change? Absolutely nothing. Being mad at myself and hating the way my boobs looked was not magically going to perk them up and make them 5 times bigger!
Self love takes practice and boy did I have to work really hard to love myself at this moment! Sometimes we just have to accept the things we have no control over, like my boobs, and change the things we can, like talking to yourself with respect and love. This is me and this is who I am. I can talk negatively and hate myself and look like this or I can talk positively and love myself and look like this…but the bottom line is that this is me.
After I caught myself in the self sabotage and negative self talk mode and truly thought about why I was feeling these things I decided that I still loved this outfit and I was still so excited that a super cute outfit like this actually fit ME! Loving the outfit and how it makes you feel is what matters. I worked hard for the body I have and I am going to rock this look and feel happy and proud of myself! I love this outfit so I am going to rock it with confidence.
There are hard days, I have insecure moments and parts of my body I want to change so badly because of the way they look after my extreme weight loss. But sometimes you have to take a step back from the moment you are in and think “is it others who are putting me down and making me insecure” or if, in fact, you are the one hurting yourself and causing the pain. If it is you that is causing this pain and doubt it may be time to take a step back and tell yourself “I am ok, I am beautiful, I am worthy, and I am so deserving to love myself and I will keep working on it every day!”
“I am and I am going wear yellow and love myself as I am doing it!!!”
This is me and I am ok with it! So go out there rock those yellow pants, throw those “fashion rules” out the door. Put on hot pink lipstick and tell the world this is me and I am perfect just the way I am and I am going wear yellow and love myself as I am doing it!!!
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