Along my 300+ pound weight loss journey, there was something that I never thought would happen to me and that I never EVER thought I would ever have to talk about or address….Weight Gain. 2 words that I never wanted to say, never wanted to happen and especially never wanted to happen to me after I lost my weight.
I knew the statistics and I know that a lot of people who have lost massive amounts of weight end up gaining weight back. I knew that. People told me that. I was very aware of that. But I told myself that it would never happen to me. Ever!
So here I am, writing this post. A post I never thought I would be writing or needing to talk about.
Well, yes, I lost over 300 pounds and I did end up gaining some weight back. This has been very hard to admit, hard to talk about and it has been very hard for me to deal with. I honestly have a very hard time talking about his without getting very emotional and actually crying.
I am not here to make you feel sorry for me. I am not making this blog to make it seem like weight gain is bad or the worst thing that can happen. I do not want you to feel like this will automatically happen to you if you are on a weight loss journey.
I want to talk about this to share what is going on with me, be honest about my journey and share how I am dealing with weight gain and handling it so I can not dwell on it, and hate myself. I am trying to continue to love myself through everything that I do. I want to talk about my weight gain so I can embrace this part of my journey and so I can learn from it and move on.
Dealing with this whole weight gain situation has been much like someone deals with the different stages of grief. I denied it and pretended for so long that I was not gaining weight and did not want to admit to myself that this was happening. I pretended it was not happening. After I accepted it I was angry. I was very angry with myself. I fell into a dark place and hated myself again. How had I allowed this to happen? I was so angry with myself and felt like I had failed.
Then it went to sadness, which is kinda where I am still am now to an extent. I am sad that this has happened. I regret that I allowed this to happen. I find myself wondering where I would be now in my life if I did not allow this to happen. I have been crying about this. A lot. I feel so saddened that I do not want to go out in public. I am nervous to see friends and family and think everyone is noticing the weight gain. I try to hide, shrink myself down and close myself off from the world because I feel so much sadness and shame. How did this happen? I am embarrassed this happened to me. I feel like I let everyone down. That I let myself down. All of these things make me really sad.
BUT, I knew that being angry and being sad was not going to help me. That was not going to allow me to continue to move forward and move on with my life and move on past this phase in my life. I have been working so hard at addressing my eating disorder, working on changing up my foods and am doing a new macro counting plan and I am not only focused on losing weight, but how I view food, handle my own body image and how I view and care for myself.
So I decided to take matters into my own hands and deal with this situation. This is what I want to share with you. The steps I am taking right now where I feel like have taken back control and I will continue to love myself during this time. I will continue to do what is best for me, and that starts by loving myself and my body- weight gain or not.
So here is what is helping me move forward and not allow myself to be defined with my weight.
1. Accept It. I have Experienced Weight Gain After Weight Loss.
I had to accept what happened. I had to accept that, yes, I have gained some weight. Not try to deny it, hide it, make excuses for it or pretend it did not happen. I had to take responsibility and I had to take accountability for it. I had to remind myself that yes, I gained weight, but I did not gain ALL of my weight back and completely allow that weight to take over my life. I am not more than 500 pounds again and I did not regain this weight overnight or in one binge eating session.
2. Mental Health Matters! How you view and talk think about to yourself makes a huge difference!
When I was at my lowest weight I was at a very low place with myself and with my body image. I was barely eating 1,000 calories, I was working out 7 times a week, multiple times a day, and really struggling with myself and my weight. The number on the scale defined who I was. So yes, I gained some weight, but where I am now mentally is a whole lot better than what it was when I weighed less. So as much as I am hard on myself for gaining some weight, I have grown so much as a person. I have addressed my eating disorder more than I ever have before and I am in a much better place with my relationship with food, with how I view and talk to and about myself and with my relationship with the gym and exercise. I am also moving beyond letting the scale define me. So I try to focus on these changes since I have reached my lowest weight.
3. I did not fail!!!! Failure is when you stop trying.
Failing is when you give up and decide not to care and not to try anymore. I did not fail. I did not allow myself to throw all of my knowledge, healthy eating, workouts, and self-love I have worked so hard on achieving out the window and choose to give up or quit. I have still been very mindful of my choices, what I am doing and living a healthy lifestyle. I did not completely give up. Every day I work on being the best version of me possible. That is not a failure. There is nothing to feel like a failure for. Gaining some weight but being aware of it, accepting it and continuing to move forward is not failing. At all.
4. Maybe I needed this wake-up call
I feel like I had to gain some weight to have a wake-up call. Yes, I believe everything happens for a reason. As much as I wish I did not have to gain weight to realize this, maybe this was the only way I would learn about my eating disorder. Maybe this was the only way to move passed the number on the scale defining me. Maybe this was what I needed to realize that I am not on a “diet” and that this will never be “over”. I will always need to be mindful of my eating choices, my eating patterns, my relationship with food and my eating disorder may always be something I have to be aware of. When I got down to my lowest weight, I thought I was “done”. Maybe gaining weight was a reminder to me that I still have a lot of work to be done and that my transformation was bigger than losing weight. I really had to and still have to deal with my eating disorder and my relationship with food. Working on overcoming my binge eating disorder is exactly what I am doing now. Going through this phase of my journey has been extremely difficult and painful. But I have also grown so much stronger by dealing with this weight gain.
5. I Found a Therapist who Specializes in Eating Disorders and Body Image Issues.
Finding this therapist and being open and honest with her has changed my life. She is really helping me with my issues with the way I view my body, my relationship with food, my weight loss and weight gain, and my binge eating disorder. I go talk to her at least 2 times per month and I think this has really helped me to accept what has happened and to really move on. I think this has helped me to overcome my anger and we are working on the sadness part, but I am making great progress. After admitting that I had regained some weight, I finally made myself and my eating disorder a top priority. This type of therapy is something I have needed for a long time. I literally cannot have a session without crying, but it has been very therapeutic and very helpful in overcoming many of the issues that I have been carrying with me for a long time.
6. Talking with my Support System and Admitting Out Loud to them That I Gained Some Weight Was Not Easy!
I had to not only admit I had gained weight to myself but I had to have this conversation with my family, friends, doctors, and trainer. And of course all of you guys. Even though they might have noticed, I had to be the one to be in control of this, bring this topic up to them and be honest and truthful with them so I could stop hiding, feeling ashamed and take ownership so I can just move forward. I was tired of feeling like I had to hide or pretend I was not struggling with my weight every time I saw them. Talking to the people that have been such a huge part of my journey, was so hard for me especially my family, friends, surgeon, and trainer and my followers on social media. I literally felt like I had let everyone down. But no one I had this conversation with, made me feel like I was a failure, they just continued to love me and support me. I think it was a bigger deal to me than it was to them. My trainer even told me that this doesn’t change anything and he will keep loving me and supporting me and kicking my butt like he always does. So after I had this conversation with these people, with all of you, I feel like myself again. Maybe it wasn’t so much that I needed to talk to them about this, but it is what I needed to take accountability and to move forward.
This is where I am right now in my life and in my journey. I do not want to talk about numbers here, such as how much I gained, how much I want to lose and what my “goal weight” is. It is not because I am embarrassed, I do not want to tell you or be honest about my weight gain and I am trying to keep it a secret. I am choosing not to talk about these numbers because it is what is best for me, my recovery and what is helping me heal. I honestly do not even know what my weight is these days. Every few weeks Kevin has been weighing me and recording it so he is the only one who knows. I am still counting my macros and I am loving it. Tracking this way has really helped me to overcome some of my issues with food, food restriction and binge eating. You can click HERE to see my YouTube Video about how I am tracking food and my diet. That is why Kevin is weighing me just to make sure my macros stay consistent and accurate. I do not look at the scale and I have honestly weighed myself 2 times in the last 11 weeks. I do not have a goal weight in mind and I am just focusing on healing. Fixing the relationship I have with food, with myself and with my body. I am focusing on healthy eating, healthy choices, working out and making choices and decisions that are the best for me. I want to feel comfortable and confident in my own body, in my own skin again because lately, it has been a struggle for me.
When things happen in life, especially things you wish never happened at all, all we can do is keep moving forward. Keep doing the best we can. Keep being kind, compassionate and loving towards yourself. It’s ok to be upset, angry, sad, to cry yell and scream. Allow yourself to feel those emotions. Do not hold them in, but then remind yourself that you are ok. This is ok. Everything will be ok. You are strong. You are tough. You can make It though these challenges. One day, one step at a time.
I may be upset and sad I gained some weight, but I am taking back that control. I am accepting what happened and I am not going to allow this bump in the road to define me. I am taking back the control and it feels good. I have not failed. I will not quit and I am not giving up. I am choosing to keep moving forward.